a recap of the yr? no way. i just want to get over and done with this yr. its been a sucky yr and i hate it a lot. awards never take, still got things just vanished from my life instantly. the worst part of not taking awards is that my teacher gave me a fucking lame excuse saying what there can be only 2 ppl getting it but then anthony could have gotten it like next yr as well. haiz. dun even want to talk about it nor do i want to blame anyone abt it. all i can say is that im just plain unlucky. what else about this yr? pastor said this year was a victorious year. he forgot to add that is for him only. no matter i still give thanks to God for the year. at least, i survived it. so what can i expect in the year to come? im in anticipation cause i will starting my new year in a new school and also as a newly appointed cadet inspector. i feel that i dun want to remain in this area anymore. some of the CIs are just plain superficial and im afraid of them. in fact, terrified. one moment they can be your friends the next the devil in them comes out. just received a damn superficial mail from them. its damn lame."this is not shooting or anything. but i hope the replies will not include any shooting." quoted from my email. lame right? these people like got nothing better to do. perhaps this holiday is the darkest days of my life. i dunno how i made it through but i have done it. some things i really yearn to have it back. but, it seems all so far away. putting my faith again? i think i still will. times like this, only needs us to grow stronger and face it bravely. so i think i will just end here. wish everyone(including myself) a blessed new year ahead.cheers! ok.. now for the POP pics..


me and mum without rank yet..

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AREA 14!!!




Falcons!!!


Father donning rank


Mother donning rank


Family photo



Me and my Bunkmate..


Me and course coordinator, Zi qi(couldnt find the other one..LOL)


Me and jin yuan


Before


After


well, presenting to you Cadet Inspector Nicholas Yee from the 73th batch Cadet Inspectors' Basic Training Course. have to wait for hq to send more pics. so in the mean time, these are all i have..hehe well, today went to malaysia for my uncle's engagement. so freaking boring. like wasted my day. but then, he has no other relatives ecpet for us. so bo bian just go. nothing much happened. damn bored. tml is jun hao's bday. going to celebrate with the rest. will post the POP photos soon. damn lazy to do it now..hehe Finally graduated from CIBTC as a P/CI. yes. one thing is, it rained during the parade. so sad. trained so hard yet it rained. it was kinda a bittersweet feeling. (want to know why ask me personally.) so then affixation of ranks of the parents in the harmony hall. was a proud moment sia. after so, photo taking session. first time i felt so like a cam whore.LOL. anyway, pics will be posted next time when i have time. quite number.

bye.. well, im back from ATC..

Day 1
(honestly, got a lot of things but im too tired to write down..LOL)

ask me to tell you the stories..hehe

bye.. everything feels so different now. finally i get to meet her today but yet we didnt say a word to each other. not even a simple "hi". how did our relationship turn 360 degrees so dramatically. i feel so sad. but yet, happy at the same time cause i finally get to see her. haiz. this feeling sucks so badly. no wonder there's a song that sings, " what's hurts the most is being so close. and, having so much to say but yet watch you walk away." i cant go on like this. on the surface i may seem alright. but then inside it really upsets me terribly. but then, what can i do but just wait. oh Lord, give me strength.

well, tml is Adventure Training Camp. sian. will be back on the 19th dec. so anything. till then we shall talk. got to go back to packing now. sucks sia. ATC.

i"ll be with you where ever you go, through the eyes of the fly on the wall. Day 1(5 dec)
this is a day i have not looking forward to. woke up bloody early, like 5 plus. then double checked my stuff and got ready to look for the outram guys and flo at lot to go to HTA. upon reaching there, the outram guys(kay yong and lian an) and i did the trademark thing again. since the toilets so crowed to change to full u, we went to the handicap toilet and change. haha. so funny sia. everybody was staring at us when we came out from there. but at least this time, we didnt get scolded. after that they had some stupid course opening which is for the instructors to receive their certificates of becoming a full fledged Cadet Inspector. then came the law lecture. its was damn funny. the lecturer talk all the vulgarities and only talk on sex laws. haha. so funny. he kept talking abt the penal code 377a. thats the one on gay. haha.and then the legal age for girls to have sex is actually 14 and above.lol realised the alot of acts in Singapore. everything you can think of, theres an act for it. lol. an example of a lame one is the cattle act. Singapore got sheep meh?LOL. finishing that was the first time we had lunch at HTA. surprisingly, the food was quite good leh. then came the worst part of the day. as we were in full u, we cannot carry our bags, furthermore, we had to march. carrying our heavy bags with our hands was just torturous. after that hand pain like siao. the rest of the day was rather boring, all the different kind of lectures by instructors so nothing special.

Day 2(6 dec)
whole day also sian. do all the lame things. first time i fail uniform inspection in my whole NPCC life. then was drills and drills and more drills.(leg starting to hurt liao). then was the field activities such as orienteering. like geog lesson sia.

Day 3(7 dec)
drills, drills and more drills.(my claf muscle starting to hurt quite badly.) after that was more field work all the campcraft and sorts. things i alrdy know. so i just spent the whole lesson disturbing people. haha. ok la, got teach some blur people(oops!) things also la. haha. nothing special except coords scold us for fun. (speaking of the coords, the course coord is damn funny in saying commands. he favourite command is "Dalam Siku Barisan Kekanan Lurus.) every dismissal he will nvr fail to say that. anw the command means elbow dressing.)

Day 4(8 dec)
i finally get to hold the sword and learn how to do the drills liao!(which eventually will cause me to have my greatest regret by far). so lucky that i can wear the sword belt as well. it was damn cool la. one thing is, sword drill is not easy. but no kick for me la!. haha. the rest of the day was as usual. lectures again. *yawn.

Day 5(9 dec)
HALF WAY OVER! today was sunday so they did not make us to PT in the morning so i could sleep longer.(anw, my sleeping time is from 2330 to 0500, count how many hours is that. and on normal days i wake up at 0400) more drills again. today i had to teach drills. it was the drill cane. i think i did quite well. problem is that i did not spread out my work to my partners evenly and that the BLOODY DRILL BOOK TEACH WRONG THING!. then was the first pop trng. raining(it rained EVERYDAY). do hentak kaki like fuck. ( now my balls of the feet hurt real bad, nearly couldnt walk)

Day 6(10 dec)
nothing much on this day. only got a lecture on NPCC history which was quite interesting and yet hypnotic at the same time. the lecturer was like in NPCC since the time NPCC started. LOL. so who better to explain to us then him?

Day 7(11 dec)
COLLECT NO. 1! wah, damn heng still got la. so damn happy when i got to know of it. lucky have sia. haha. after that the head training ms serene boo, she brifed us on the new training framework. a lot of changes, seems like the plan to cut down on the duration of training but yet at the same time, add new things. found out also that being a CI got a lot of privileges. im think i may be going Australia next yr! so after was the pop trng. rain again so sleep at auditorium for awhile. damn freaking tired. at night got this honorary officer come talk to us abt 7 habits of effective people. bloody boring so i fell asleep and then kena caught by him. haha. like ernest wong except more boring.

Day 8(12 dec)
whole day no need to wear full u(finally my leg can rest). so was just campcraft whole day. and also maybe talk cock session with my squad mates.

Day 9(13 dec)
GO HOME! but not so early la. the changed the classification shoot to pop trng. wah fuck, hold the bloody rifle for so long. buey tahan sia. then somemore i kena sunburn cause the sun was scorching for the first time. but it rain in the afternoon. after pop was drill assessment so i did drills for like 8am-1pm! thats like 5 hrs non-stop. after that i went to the toilet to puke. couldnt take it cause so long nvr do so long liao. somemore breakfast was like curry and bread?WTF? then was my other assessment, my soft skills evaluation. hope i did well for that. after that is just the preparation for the Adventure Training Camp. then GO HOME! went to eat prata with family after that. finally i need to not eat canteen food.YES!

abt my greatest regret, it's cause that the contingent commanders were chosen unfairly. i did not even get a chance to try out. sian. no sword *sob.

anyway, i just want my rank.

this course gave me a time to take my mind off things. but now, im back and the things are coming back again. i really dunno what to do. wonder how she's doing? she won a bronze i think, since i read from the past days newspaper.LOL(last time she would just tell me, now i have to read newspaper. haiz) but i hope she's well( i say this all the time even though i know she is.) going for the CIBTC tml. not really looking forward to it though. dunno why either. perhaps, i have no more motivation to go on anymore. i feel so tired. well, today did a lot of last minute shopping for the freaking course. i think i spent over $30 for the course itself. and thats not even inclusive of the Adventure Training Camp afterwards. haiz. waste time, waste money. how to save money like that. suddenly as the training draws nearer. i feel abit afraid. nowadays, i dunno why whenever i go for periods away from any form of contact i feel so lost and depressed. just cant stand that feeling. anyway, went to pass weeling my free tickets to The Golden Compass which i cant go because it is tml. haiz. will find a time to watch it, i think.

well, im going off for my course liao. think she's going off to thailand tml as well. haiz. wonder when i will get to see her again.

P.S. weeling your secret occupation is very unique. really didnt expect you would do that. haha.

im going off, and the very person that i want to know it does not know.*sob

another day alone at home. woke up quite late today cause no one to make noise or anything. so end up whole morning stoning at the tv until abt 12 plus then left for church. i dunno why, but everything suddenly seems different. perhaps its just me but its feels different. i dun like different. i hate what i am now and what i have now. seems now all my friends are missing. whatever i did today, i did it alone. its scary to have this feeling. went church wanted to look for keane or russell. keane didnt reply my msgs until the end of the service while russell brought his gf come today so he had to send her home right after the service hence, didnt have an opportunity to talk to him at all. even in church i sat alone. cant find my friends. after service did not meet them cos no meeting. this made me feel that my friends are all either attached , no longer contacting or just missing in action. i just dunno what to do. even now, i just feel that feelings i have inside only i know. what do people expect me to do. talk to God right? talk to someone that when you hear something theres a 50-50 chance that is yourself counseling your own self. is it true that the more i want something, the more i dun get it? instead i get the opposite reaction. its too unfair to me. what have i done wrong. i worked so hard. persevered so long and came so far. and this is what i get. is this what i deserve? if this is so, I DUN WANT TO PASS MY Os WITH FLYING COLOURS. I DUN WANT TO BE AWARDED BEST CIT FOR THE CIBTC. I WANT TO BE SAD. then now will this come true?. i just need one thing i want to happen to happen. that would be enough. that would be enough. I ASK FOR SOMETHING SO SMALL AND I GET NOTHING. WHATS WRONG??

haiz. days pass by and not a day that i have not thought about you. its pain me to think about you but i dun care. without you, the feeling is like nothing in this world. indescribable agony. and it all just summaries into three words.
i miss you.

Everything we had, everything we had,
everything we had, everything we had
Is no longer there.

i tried so hard not to get a sore throat ytd. guess what? woke up today withe a sore throat. fuck sia.zzz woke up very early even though i slept like at 3am. left the hse at around 645 together with my parents who were headed for m'sia. for me, i had to go to HTA for day 0 briefing today. it was damn tiring although there were some funny things that happened that made me laugh like siao. guess what? i look better as a CI than a cadet. i haven even become one and i look like one already. cool sia. whole day just had lecture after lecture. imagine i still have nine days to go. after the thing which ended like 3 plus. super tired after that. so went lunch the outram guys and florence who was damn freaking lazy. after that homed. received a call from weeling to go out for dinner(yes!!!company at last P.S. im not complimenting you, just glad i can talk cock) so went to meet her and xiwen at central(???) then chatted for a while before they wanted to go eat. surprisingly, i was not hungry so i couldnt make up my mind. so sorry eh?

i understand that you all want to know what exactly is the story. honestly, i would like to know to. i seem to be hidden away from so many things. i want to let go but i cant. its too hard. everytime im alone i think abt her and what she said. asking myself the same things again and again. question is not how it happened but why did it happened. i feel distraught. cant seem to think of why things in my life are going on this way. its haunting to everytime close my eyes and think abt the same things again. haiz. what am i to do?

Dear God
Avenged Sevenfold\

A lonely road, crossed another cold state line
Miles away from those I love purpose hard to find
While I recall all the words you spoke to me
Can't help but wish that I was there
Back where I'd love to be, oh yeah

Dear God the only thing I ask of you is
to hold her when I'm not around
when I'm much too far away
We all need that person who can be true to you
But I left her when I found her
And now I wish I'd stayed
'Cause I'm lonely and I'm tired
I'm missing you again oh no
Once again

There's nothing here for me on this barren road
There's no one here while the city sleeps
and all the shops are closed
Can't help but think of the times I've had with you
Pictures and some memories will have to help me through, oh yeah

Dear God the only thing I ask of you is
to hold her when I'm not around
when I'm much too far away
We all need that person who can be true to you
I left her when I found her
And now I wish I'd stayed
'Cause I'm lonely and I'm tired
I'm missing you again oh no
Once again

Some search, never finding a way
Before long, they waste away
I found you, something told me to stay
I gave in, to selfish ways
And how I miss someone to hold
when hope begins to fade...

A lonely road, crossed another cold state line
Miles away from those I love purpose hard to find

Dear God the only thing I ask of you is
to hold her when I'm not around
when I'm much too far away
We all need the person who can be true to you
I left her when I found her
And now I wish I'd stayed
'Cause I'm lonely and I'm tired
I'm missing you again oh no
Once again

i simply love this song. just look at the lyrics.
"dear God, the only thing i ask of you is to hold her hand when im not around." oh God, please do so.

Your profile here.
Nicholas here. currently a Cadet Inspector serving Queenstown Sec Sch.

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Wee Ling Wan Ying

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