yet another day goes by like this. i have to stop numbing myself with doing work. its not working anymore. what goes around comes around. have i done something wrong then i ask. why when the more i want something, the more i dun get it. its just so unfair. some people get everything and i get nothing. im been trying so hard to change. but why does it still turn out the same? im so tired playing the game of life. whats the point playing when you keep losing. nobody would want be at the losing end. been thinking real hard this few days. and i just want her to be happy. i dun want anything else. if me disappearing makes you happy, just say the word and i'll be gone. reminiscing the times hurts so bad each time. every word you said that time is like a knife that went right through me. so what am i to do now. haiz. guess what, my whole family will be away for holiday except for me. cause, tml i have training. anyone interested to join me for dinner? call me please. i hate eating alone. enough of the word "alone" already. i need company, been super restless recently. well, whats there to add somemore.

so girl, is it that i dont deserve you or what?

call me out for dinner tml please, someone. i feel so restless. have no idea what to do now. yet another sleepness night, haiz. im so sick of that. went to play badminton with keane and friends today. thank god for him, at least he made me smile for the first time in a long time. he's such a great pal. saw her at the sports hall trng as well. haiz. i needed that workout, at least itv kept things off my mind. but now, back to reality. this feeling i have is so sickening. i really dunno what to do now. i feel so lost. perhaps even in despair. someone talk to me! songs i hear nowadays make me feel just worst. even in my own media player in random order its plays all the emo songs. haiz. think god is trying to counsel me. what else to write. i have no mood. my life taking a plunge now and its time to pick up the pieces.

When the rain is pouring down
And my heart is hurting
You will always be around
This I know for certain
rubbish la..

The earth shall soon dissolve like snow
The sun forbid to shine

broken, anguish, sadness, disappointment. this is all i have to say now. suddenly i just feel like giving up everything i have to complete now and kill myself. seems like i lost my goal in life. no more meaning anymore. why? why am i always like this. everything i do seems only to give me nothing but disappointment. what am i going to go on now. i just lost someone dear. despondent now. wonder how long this will last. its killing me inside. couldn't sleep the whole fucking night. cant stop thinking. thoughts flashing through my mind. im so useless. asshole, jerk, bastard am i, ain't i? i know the whole world hates me. now i feel even God hates me. i hope not. otherwise, i might as well really die. what am i to do next. i never felt so lost before. for the first time i ask, where are the directions?. i am at more than a cross road. i am at a dead end. either i turn back or i die trying. i hate what is not meant to be. i hate everything. moreover i hate myself for loving you. perhaps i should have given up long ago. perhaps i shouldn't have fallen for you. perhaps i shouldn't even come to this school. perhaps i shouldn't have been in NPCC. perhaps like this, i have a much happier life. perhaps, perhaps ,perhaps. fuck it. zao zhi jing ri he bi dang chu. wen di shi, wo gen ben dou bu zhi dao zao zhi jing ri shi yi ge zhen mo ying de huan jing. this sucks big time. i feel so numb now. who can i talk to. im all alone at home again. loneliness is killing me. its not physical torture but mental. cause thoughts keep coming. erasing the feelings i have now is mission impossible. why have memories when they are so painful to remember. why think about the future when the present sucks. i dun even dare think about the future. some people get everything in the world, and i? I GET NOTHING AT ALL. lets just hope the Mayans are right and that the world will just stop at 2012. finally then, i can see the messiah. enjoy the riches of heaven and never ever have to worry as this word no longer exist. dreams keep me alive but yet they are the ones killing me now. ironic the world is. sadly, theres nothing we can do about it. i know its not the end of the world to everyone. but it is to me. anyway, nobody cares isnt it? so might as well i go and die then the world would be a better place for the people around me. let this asshole get what he deserves. bet whoever hates me, which is almost everyone, who reads this must be laughing their asses out now. yes! you, the one who hates me to the core, i screwed up. HAPPY NOW?! LAUGH THEN YOU BLOODY MOTHERFUCKER. LAUGH ALL YOU WANT.

oh, let time tick my life away second by second cause i lost my purpose

today was one heck of a day. woke up at 630 rush here rush there. had to meet florence at 830 in serangoon. haiz. this was because the bloody hq only email me ytd, then mr khoo was not in school. so had to go all the way there to get him endorse for
us. after that went to do the bloody medical checkup. wtf la. the urine test keep failing. haha. in the end the doctor just passed us. so thanks to florence mother we made it to HTA in time. phew..

at HTA, still need to wait until 1330. cause we were there too early. zzz. so was in anticipation seh. going to get my uniform. YEAH!!. so after a long standing and briefing on uniform etiquette(im so sick of that) again. finally, the time has come for me to get my new uniform!!. went in the officers inside were real funny but this made it really fun for us to gt our stuff more effectively. oh yea. my peaked cap and zipper boots!!!

here are the pics( i know im crazy..:) )

my peaked cap


my zipper boots..:D

hehe..nice eh?. poor weeling working her ass off. haha. honestly la, im no better better go there kena scolding only. appreciate the nice and peaceful enviroment ok ms lee?.. well, i cant seem to find much to write here. maybe cause my life this hols is just eat, sleep, watch tv, go online(waiting for the fucking npcc hq to email me..Zzz). cant seem to find anything to so. cant go to work either, cause there isnt a job that would allow me to work for only like 2 weeks. anyway now, its less than two weeks till my CIBTC. its kinda like a bittersweet feeling im getting about the course. im looking forward to new uniform, my zipper boots and my peaked cap. im not looking forward to two weeks of not being able to go home.(i just found out, even weekends i stay IN:(..).. but then, it can ease my boredom, i think. prom is coming up. not really anticipating it, dunno why. maybe cause it was dragged too long and just simply lose interest already. that is..unless i find another reason to go..

hell man, someone ask me to go out. i dun care who. just allow me to leave my hse. sick of the food in my area. think probably the whole clementi i have eaten somewhere before. thought of going sch and check out the campcraft team, but then again, dun want to feel disappointed later again. i need entertainment. someone entertain me please. who wants to go out have coffee or whatever and just chill?..(doubt anyone i know is getting to read that...-.-|||).. let this just reach someone and ppl will start calling me out..

haven seen her for the longest time. wonder how is she doing. think nowadays she should have trng in the morning and afternoon. haiz. when will i ever get a chance to see her? i hope soon, so many things want to tell her. but yet, i cant seem to find a chance. just wish that she would call and like chat or whatever. just hope that i can do what i want to do before my CIBTC. then will have no regrets.

to the world you may be one person, but to me you are the world.

another great song with great lyrics..

Pushing Me Away
Linkin Park

I've lied to you
The same way that I always do
This is the last smile
That I'll fake for the sake of being with you

(Everything falls apart
Even the people who never frown
Eventually break down)
The sacrifice of hiding in a lie
(Everything has to end
You'll soon find we're out of time left
To watch it all unwind)
The sacrifice is never knowing

Why I never walked away
Why I played myself this way
Now I see you're testing me pushes me away
Why I never walked away
Why I played myself this way
Now I see your testing me pushes me away

I've tried like you
To do everything you wanted too
This is the last time
I'll take the blame for the sake of being with you

(Everything falls apart
Even the people who never frown
Eventually break down)
The sacrifice of hiding in a lie
(Everything has to end
You'll soon find we're out of time left
To watch it all unwind)
The sacrifice is never knowing

Why I never walked away
Why I played myself this way
Now I see you're testing me pushes me away
Why I never walked away
Why I played myself this way
Now I see you're testing me pushes me away
(We're all out of time
This is how we find how it all unwinds)
The sacrifice of hiding in a lie
(We're all out of time
This is how we find how it all unwinds)
The sacrifice is never knowing
Why I never walked away
Why I played myself this way
Now I see you're testing me pushes me away
Why I never walked away
Why I played myself this way
Now I see you're testing me pushes me away
Pushes me away love the lyrics..read it..esp the chorus

Points Of Authority
Linkin Park


Forfeit the game
Before somebody else
Takes you out of the frame
Puts your name to shame
Cover up your face
You can't run the race
The pace is too fast
You just won't last

You love the way I look at you
While taking pleasure in the awful things you put me through
You take away if I give in
My life
My pride is broken

[Chorus:]
You like to think you're never wrong
(You live what you've learned)
You have to act like you're someone
(You live what you've learned)
You want someone to hurt like you
(You live what you've learned)
You want to share what you have been through
(You live what you've learned)

You love the things I say I'll do
The way I hurt myself again just to get back at you
You take away when I give in
My life
My pride is broken

[Chorus]

Forfeit the game
Before somebody else
Takes you out of the frame
Puts your name to shame
Cover up your face
You can't run the race
The pace is too fast
You just won't last

[Chorus]

[Chorus:]
You like to think you're never wrong – Forfeit the game
(You live what you've learned)
You have to act like you're someone – Forfeit the game
(You live what you've learned)
You want someone to hurt like you – Forfeit the game
(You live what you've learned)
You want to share what you have been through
(You live what you've learned) this four years have brought me laughter, tears and every emotion that you can ever think of. its been hard at times but its all over alright. coming to think of it, I'm really leaving eh?.. its kinda of hard to believe it, completing 10 years of education already. but well, all good things have to come to end an end. with every ending comes a new beginning right? hope i get over this feeling of detachment soon. but its really so fast. can't bring myself to believe it to be exact. hope this journey with the people i met here does not end together with it. people like wang zhi, howe yong. although they may be a bit irritating but i still enjoy the times i have with them. i will certainly miss nagging at eddie to work hard, hope he knows that even when the whole world turns their back on you, you still will have my support, cheers always. people that i started to detest, dun really want to go there, but just want to say that i put all the feuds behind. and i dun ever want to look back. then there's the bunch weeling xi wen, will always remember the wacky things that you all do..especially xiwen. weeling, just stay as how you already are, and dun always be affected by problems in life cause, know that you are never facing them alone. you still have a friend like me that you can talk too..:)..lots more that i want to say but i just can't bring myself to say here.

recently been into linkin park's songs, just realised that the songs meaning really reflects how i feel. maybe it was after the concert that the words really touched my heart. so deep inside. almost as though the concert was a gentle comfort for my soul. maybe a little encouragement. the song numb especially had a even more significant meaning. perhaps i have not become numb, but you have. another song is points of authority
cause you like to think your never wrong. but i have never ever been angry about that cause you mean everything to me.

it's been so long since i talked to you. give me a chance please. asking you out has never been so difficult. all i ask is for a road that i can go, a path i can take, a choice i can make. i really just can't find a chance to tell you. it tears me completely in the inside when i can't see you and tell you how much you mean to me and that i want to be with you. i know you might never ever read this, but i really really like you.

and i tell you my friends, what's worst than having no hope is having false hope.

good luck to all sec 4 Queenstownians, may we meet again.
P.S. i will be back on 28 dec 07

Nicholas its been a really long time since i have come to blog here. lots of things happened during the period. be it good or... bad.. but now, life has never been ever worst. I'M FREAKING BORED! i can't get a job cause i only can work like only one? two weeks?.. nobody wants to hire if i work like that. its like might as well slack until my CIBTC. but then damn sian. need something to do, otherwise will go siao. i dunno whether is i suay or that God is trying to disturb me. things that i really want to do i seem to not have a chance to do it. its so irritating. hope i will get a chance soon , or i'm so scared that i will regret if i dun take my chances soon. i really hope what i do will work.

anyway, went to the linkin park live in Singapore ytd!! woohoo! it was GREAT!! well, i will cut the crap and show some pictures and videos(not very clear though :P)







this is after everything was OVER..:(

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