Wednesday, September 26, 2007 @ 6:01 PM: haiz..
prelims are out. you know what, im PETRIFIED by what im seeing. i really dunno what to do liao. its not that i did not put in effort, but it seems that nothing im doing is actually helping me improve my grades. im really afraid that i might not even make it to the ITE. that would be my worst nightmare. im not exactly hearing anything positive from my parents. i really dun want to disappoint them. i need assurance. assurance in every aspect in my life. i have to stop frightening myself with thoughts that dun make sense at all. COME ON NICHOLAS! WAKE UP! DONT WORRY! someone, anyone, tell me what im seeing is not real. i dun need motivation, i need encouragement. i dun need strength, i need courage. i dun need mugging, i need enlightenment. oh, inside of me is a struggle. suddenly, im seem so afraid of everything. this is not the real me, i know it. please remind me of who i am. for i have lost myself. on the brink of insanity is like walking on a tight rope. i never know when i just might lose control and lose everything. my mind is going crazy, hyper. i have to stop thinking of things that frighten me. i have to assure myself. i need someone to assure me. but who, i wonder. i think i know the answer but does the person know? what really scares the shit of me now is that i cant seem to focus like i used to do. Os are like 20 over days away, but what have i done? i made sacrifices, but are they worth it. whatever i do seems futile. but something deep inside of my heart tells me to persevere on. i move with faith even though things may falter it. i move with trust even though things prove otherwise. for i believe. determination like no other and i shall win. i going to run final lap and win. what others can do, i believe i can do it as well or better. i shall follow the voice that guides me through my time of darkness and challenges.
Psalms 23
"the Lord is my shepherd, i shall not be in want. He makes me lie on green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for His Name's sake.
Even though i walk through the valley of the shadow of death, i will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and love will follow me, and i will dwell in the house of the Lord forever."
so come on, tell me.