please dont ever compare how i treat you and how i treat others. its just because your different. a smile from you to me could make my day anytime. i dont ask for much yet i get nothing all the time. its like a knife to the heart. it hurts so badly to see you acting like that. why have you become so cold recently. im so afraid, afraid that what has happened before will happen again. that was the period i hated the most. what have i done wrong this time again. i still dont understand. everything you told me, you always said i dont understand. but, i really do, i really understand. its just that i have nothing to say to answer you. its not that we have nothing to say, its just that you seem to hide a lot of things. dont hide from me please. i really care for you a lot. i can be your shoulder to cry on. a word from you and i will go through hell and back again just for you. i just need you to understand. that you are more than what the others are. i give my all. never had i felt this low before. suddenly everything seems more difficult to overcome. i think im under a lot of stress. and yet, i doing more to myself. but sometimes it really hurts to see the things she is doing. i think berserk cant even be used to describe how im feeling. perhaps my mind is too numb, but i simply cant harden my heart of mine till my exams are over. i have 0% encouragement from anyone close. yet im giving my 100% to all around me. people say im selfish. if i am will i sacrifice so much for a unit that has almost a nil chance of moving forward and that even if i have a practically useless portfolio. if im selfish, would i bother to give money and send an injured old man home. if im selfish, would i give my all to help someone who is really i like. it is human to err. but why am i always blacklisted all the time. i dont wanna lose what i have now. tell me what am i supposed to do?

"cos you mean the world to me"

im gonna make you feel like heaven on earth. im gonna thank your mother for giving you birth. im gonna hold you in my arms when you cry. if that's ok with you... prelims are out. you know what, im PETRIFIED by what im seeing. i really dunno what to do liao. its not that i did not put in effort, but it seems that nothing im doing is actually helping me improve my grades. im really afraid that i might not even make it to the ITE. that would be my worst nightmare. im not exactly hearing anything positive from my parents. i really dun want to disappoint them. i need assurance. assurance in every aspect in my life. i have to stop frightening myself with thoughts that dun make sense at all. COME ON NICHOLAS! WAKE UP! DONT WORRY! someone, anyone, tell me what im seeing is not real. i dun need motivation, i need encouragement. i dun need strength, i need courage. i dun need mugging, i need enlightenment. oh, inside of me is a struggle. suddenly, im seem so afraid of everything. this is not the real me, i know it. please remind me of who i am. for i have lost myself. on the brink of insanity is like walking on a tight rope. i never know when i just might lose control and lose everything. my mind is going crazy, hyper. i have to stop thinking of things that frighten me. i have to assure myself. i need someone to assure me. but who, i wonder. i think i know the answer but does the person know? what really scares the shit of me now is that i cant seem to focus like i used to do. Os are like 20 over days away, but what have i done? i made sacrifices, but are they worth it. whatever i do seems futile. but something deep inside of my heart tells me to persevere on. i move with faith even though things may falter it. i move with trust even though things prove otherwise. for i believe. determination like no other and i shall win. i going to run final lap and win. what others can do, i believe i can do it as well or better. i shall follow the voice that guides me through my time of darkness and challenges.

Psalms 23
"the Lord is my shepherd, i shall not be in want. He makes me lie on green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for His Name's sake. Even though i walk through the valley of the shadow of death, i will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and love will follow me, and i will dwell in the house of the Lord forever." today is a damn sian day.. woke up realizing my sore throat got worst.. worst still was that got a bit of fever.. haiz.. so mum persuaded me to see a doctor.. so go see doctor .. found out that i got swelling on both sides of my tonsils(tonsillitis) and throat inflammation.. when i heard it was like "WTF, so jia lat ah?".. so he gave me the strongest antibiotics he had and some other medicine.. whole day cant even swallow properly.. damn shitty eh this feeling..haiz..hope by mon will recover.. this stinging pain in my throat sucks.. lucky still can talk otherwise i monday die liao.. ok.. im freaking bored.. lalalalala... pain..... argh.... If That's OK With You
I love the way you look without your make up
I had a girl before we met but we broke up
Theres something 'bout you that makes me want to step up
step up and be with you
If That's Ok With You

We'll keep the neighbors awake too late too late
cos imma make you feel so good thats how i see it happening
yeah we'll keep the neighbours awake to late too late
cos baby i wanna step up and be with you
if thats ok with you

im gonna make you feel like you are heaven on earth
I'm gonna thank your mother just for giving you birth
im gonna wanna hold you in my arms when you cry
if thats ok with you
if thats ok with you

I wanna keep your toothbrush at my apartment
Make a second set of keys and ask you to move in
I'm not crazy
I know what im getting myself in
I wanna live with you
If thats ok with you

im gonna make you feel like you are heaven on earth
I'm gonna thank your mother just for giving you birth
im gonna wanna hold you in my arms when you cry
if thats ok with you
if thats ok with you

If thats ok with you
If im gonna make you feel like you are heaven on earth
I'm gonna thank your mother just for giving you birth
im gonna wanna hold you in my arms when you cry
if thats ok with you
if thats ok with you
if thats ok with you
if thats ok with you
yeah yeah

we'll keep the neighbours awake too late too late
I wanna love you this way that way this way
We'll keep the neighbours awake too late too late
I wanna love you this way that way this way

im gonna make you feel like you are heaven on earth
I'm gonna thank your mother just for giving you birth
im gonna wanna hold you in my arms when you cry
if thats ok with you
if thats ok with you
Im gonna love you

im gonna make you feel like you are heaven on earth
I'm gonna thank your mother just for giving you birth
im gonna wanna hold you in my arms when you cry
if thats ok with you
if thats ok with you
If thats ok with you
If if thats ok with you
if thats ok with you
if thats ok with you
Thats if thats ok with you i'm very bored now. really dunno what to do. it's like the prelims are here liao and seems like everybody is going to flunk it. furthermore, heard there is still the first three months? haiz. sian. don't even want to think about it. hope i can do well for it. just hope my a maths would improve in time for the Os. cause thats the only thing holding me back now. rest of my subs are still doing well. except eng and ss which keep fluctuating. its damn irritating. one time i got 17/25 the next is 7/25. haiz. i want to study but so like "argh" feeling when i'm doing work. well, i'm going to try anyway. it's my future.

things around me are getting better( i think, (ya weeling suan all you want.)) some problems still haven solved yet. but you know whats the best part?. i don't even know whats the problem. anyway, we'll see how it goes la.

dunno what else to write sia. this few days always accompany people to study. of course i also got study(a bit) la. okokokokokokokokok.. dunno what to write liao.

bye. i don't even know how to start this.. seeing myself in the mirror with that fucked up face demoralises me.. i seemed so tired, so lost, so depressed.. why am i like this?.. seeing her acting like this now perhaps.. its a deep struggle in the inside.. i really dunno what to do already.. she seems to be afraid to be with me.. but im really confused.. or is it just that she dun want people to see us together?.. haiz.. i need answers.. im so sick of questions already.. i really want to get her back.. i admit.. IM JEALOUS!.. happy now?.. is that what you want to hear?.. argh.. my head hurts so badly now.. i cannot take it anymore.. i cant stand this feeling.. i really feel like killing.. i dont want to lose you... this sounds corny i know.. but ya.. can you ever understand why i do all this?.. am i that insignificant to you.. after all this time.. what we have.. i know its a lie what you saying now.. on the outside i may seem fine.. but its the internal turmoil that kills me thoroughly.. i need help.. i need someone to get it to her..because i cant seem to get her anymore.. she is obviously avoiding.. but why?.. lets talk things out.. think russell may be right.. shes probably trying to spite me.. well then tell her.. its working!.. can we get things back now?.. only so that i can control this problem.. haiz.. i really dunno what to do now.. i thought everything was back to normal.. haiz.. this could be the last time im going to put my faith and believe her..

P.S. FUCK OFF YOU FUCKING FUCKER!!LEAVE ALONE!!GET OUT OF MY SIGHT BEFORE I DO SOMETHING REAL NASTY!!

if do something you dun want me to know dun let me see it!!!

take a look around.. nothing much has changed has it? or is it too much?

"I
I do not dare deny
The basic beast inside
It's right here, it's controlling my mind
And why
Do I deserve to die?
I'm dominated by
This animal that's locked up inside" this two days my parents not around so got quite a lot of freedom.. ya.. that explains why im blogging at 12am plus in the morning now.. what my mum would say as "bo zeng hu" or meaning no government.. haha..

well, ytd was teachers' day.. was alright except it was damn boring!.. its so wah lao la.. nearly wanted to fall asleep during the concert part.. but the dances were great esp the sec 2s.. haha.. then after that went out to have a very disgusting yoshinoya at great world there.. it really spoiled my impression of the stall.. then after that weeling went back to her pri sch, weiling they all went to her hse.. so i was left with her.. went to catch a movie la.. ratatouille.. it was not bad la.. except that was a bit sian at certain parts.. after that just accompany her get her discs then go home lor.. haha.. slept until 9 plus then wake up to use comp for a while.. hahaha.. then weeling said she was making jelly..lol.. until 2am..

today, went to watch hairspray with weeling and xiwen.. seriously wanted to treat you weeling..but dunno why you suddenly refused.. next time.. i promise.. but anyway, didnt really got what i expected for the show.. it turned out to be a musical.. lol.. so went to like watch concert in a cinema.. but its was quite nice.. interesting to see john travolta as a woman.. haha.. but he was really good.. after that went to eat.. then have to get dinner for my super lazy sister.. actually wanted to meet her for dinner.. but then she turned out to have dinner settled liao:(.. so i went for my bible class(reluctantly) as i was nearby.. sian one la.. after that went to meet wangzhi lor..cos he was ard.. went to get drinks then we crapped at esplanade there.. actually, wang didnt change much..maybe its just us.. he feels the same to me.. as nonsensical as ever la... haha.. then walk to cineleisure with him.. showed him the power of faith.. cos every traffic light we went to, once we reached it will turn green man instantly.. haha.. he still dun believe though.. haha.. then he go watch his movie la.. siao one dun go home..haha...

my creation during sci prac.. see, play chemical
still can do get 11/15.. haha

well thats it for now..
a song for you all..

"The Great Escape"
"Boys Like Girls"
Paper bags and plastic hearts
All are belongings in shopping carts
It's goodbye
But we got one more night
Let's get drunk and ride around
And make peace with an empty town
We can make it right

Throw it away
Forget yesterday
We'll make the great escape
We won't hear a word they say
They don't know us anyway
Watch it burn
Let it die
Cause we are finally free tonight

Tonight will change our lives
It's so good to be by your side
But we'll cry
We won't give up the fight
We'll scream loud at the top of our lungs
And they'll think it's just cause we're young
And we'll feel so alive

Throw it away
Forget yesterday
We'll make the great escape
We won't hear a word they say
They don't know us anyway
Watch it burn
Let it die
Cause we are finally free tonight

All of the wasted time
The hours that were left behind
The answers that we'll never find
They don't mean a thing tonight

Throw it away
Forget yesterday
We'll make the great escape
We won't hear a word they say
They don't know us anyway

Throw it away
Forget yesterday
We'll make the great escape
We won't hear a word they say
They don't know us anyway

Throw it away
Forget yesterday
We'll make the great escape
We won't hear a word they say
They don't know us anyway
Watch it burn
Let it die
Cause we are finally free tonight

"don't pretend you ever forget about me.."

bye..

Your profile here.
Nicholas here. currently a Cadet Inspector serving Queenstown Sec Sch.

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Wee Ling Wan Ying

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