Wednesday, August 8, 2007 @ 9:56 PM: life IS a contradiction
why do i say this?..it may sound weird but its true.. cause i have so many of contradictions in life.. i believe that what causes a person to get into a state of depression is because he cannot take the amount of contradiction happening in their lives.. contradictions are when you want something to happen so much but yet the reverse happens.. its sometimes so difficult to accept that you just might lose it and go bonkers!.. thats actually how im feeling recently.. let me share with you two contradictions in my life.
Contradiction #1
well.. as people know im a very hardcore npcc person.. i dare say im the only one in this bloody school who actually cares about the overall unit rather than getting power and abusing it onto people.. worst still showing it off to everyone who are your peers.. this kind of people are the most useless.. however, although i have been trying to contribute so much to the unit but yet i dun get anything and instead it goes to someone who doesnt even do much effort to make a difference.. im not trying to say im doing something very big or what, but what im trying to achieve and the bigger picture im showing is definitely more obvious that im doing something compared to the other two.. i may sound like sour grapes now but all this is true.. its really hard to see something you worked so hard for just being taken away from you just like this..the feeling, the pain,.. is indescribable...what i can say is that it SUCKED, big time in fact.. never have i felt so low and downcast before.. ever since i became an NCO nothing has ever been the same.. everytrhing i do seem tom be always going down the drain or used as someone elses work..argh..thinking about it makes me so angered.. this made me learn a very important lesson.. what my principal said about " doing the right things even if nobody is watching" is literally bullshit in Singapore.. it should be changed to "do the right things only when someone actually is watching".. isnt that so?..if no ones sees you, you will never get the recognition you deserve.. talk about meritocracy, which rewards people who worked hard..i dun see that happening.. so just throw that policy away sia.. its just bullshit..haiz...so this is the first contradiction...its really more jialat then it seems...what till you actually face the ostracization...wah...thats what i call point break of the human limit..
Contradiction #2
this is one of the things that drive me crazy actually all the time..what do you first think when it comes to giving kindness?..begetting it isnt it?..my case is different..by now a lot of people would know abt me and you know who..well, she is someone i like a lot..but i really dunno how she feels or thinks about.. cos she is like always hot and cold with me..so most of the time i dunno whats happening..i've been trying very hard to win her..but sometimes it really feels like its always wasted..but nevertheless, i continued cos i dun believe she doesnt have the same thing for me..whatever she ask me to do i will do..people will say im stupid..but wont u do anything for someone u like even though sometimes its very stupid..i gave up much things cos of her..part of the things in npcc i lost is because i wanted to be there for her always so i didnt want to go npcc that often..but yet now she say im controlling her too much..i never did intend to do so..i really dunno whats happening now..its really killing me to see you treating me worst than a stranger..its like who dun know each other anymore..everytime i see her right in front of me i really want her to talk to me cos i dun want this to go on..even if she hates the person she will still talk to the person..but yet now..shes avoiding me..and yet she says shes not..LIES LIES!!..why! tell me why!..dun hide and avoid the problem anymore..you started this and i want to end it!!WHY WONT YOU LET ME?!if its my fault i already said im sorry.. what more you want...i really dun want to give you up..i already am nearly there..why must all this always happen to me..i really rather she hate me..so at least there is a reason..but now there is no reason..this contradiction is the one that truly kills me..its painfully torturing.. time will heal but i dun want it to heal..as that would mean i forget everything..i dun want to forget the things we have.. just like in a song it says"how do i love you, if you just wont talk to me"..
well...i really am a very screwed person..useless when things come to me.. how do i go one?
so come on, tell me.