isn't it hard to realise at this point of time that the greatest disappointment that you have is actually that you fail being yourself? have been thinking a lot recently, feel so troubled from all this thoughts. haiz.. at this time of the year liao, why am i still wasting time on unnecessary things?.. i really can't take all this. i've been faced with too many disappointments too many times. has this world ever been fair to me before? have anything i done actually been able to portray the bigger picture i have been talking about all this while? what have i done wrong to deserve this. paid a price too high for something so low. i always come back asking myself, is it worth? .. i have been going on like this for so long. i can;t give up yet. its not worth it... but, maybe not yet.

well.. this week she's gone to China.. some things i want to tell her, but i really dunno how to start. seems like our relationship has a lot of empty gaps in between. but then come to think of it, maybe some gaps are better left empty then at least we have a chance to learn from what we have done wrong and continue on. what really saddens me is that i realised that after all this time what she tell people to tell me is all a bunch of LIES. tell me how would you feel if someone who means a lot lies to you about something?. its unbearable isnt it? maybe i should just put this behind us and continue on from where we left off. the questions that i still am puzzled about is that she ask someone to tell me(yet again.. haiz.. why cant she just tell me..) before that i control her too much?.. why did i do some things? i really hate it when you keep mentioning about someone that i don't really like. its not that i am asking you not to befriend the person but can you just show me the basic courtesy?.. i admit im jealous.. happy? seriously, would you like it if i kept mentioning about someone in times that its just the two of us?..why can't you understand? if i can understand things you tell me, why can't you do the same to mine?.. but anyway, now that we are better, i don;t want anything to come between us again. still believe that we'll work out. don't tell me you don't think so. stop lying to me and yourself already please?

"Whatever It Takes"
Lifehouse

A strangled smile fell from your face
It kills me that I hurt you this way
The worst part is that I didn't even know
Now there's a million reasons for you to go
But if you can find a reason to stay

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know that I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
Believe that I can change
I'll keep us together whatever it takes

She said "If we're gonna make this work
You gotta let me inside even though it hurts
Don't hide the broken parts that I need to see"
She said "Like it or not it's the way it's gotta be
You gotta love yourself if you can ever love me"

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know that I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
And give me a break
I'll keep us together, I know you deserve much better

But remember the time I told you the way that I felt
That I'd be lost without you and never find myself
Let's hold onto each other above everything else
Start over, start over

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
and believe that I can change
I'll keep us together whatever it takes


let this song tell you how i feel..
(if you ever asked me how many times i think of you when your gone? i would say once, because i have never stop thinking of you since your gone.)
and now, i wishing you be by my side..
i really...... "remember nothing, forgive everything"

something that i just created.. think it sounds familiar?..yea.. actually changed it from the 'Bourne Ulitimatum" movie.. meaning is different though.. but dont you think it make sense.. maybe some things its best to just let go and start afresh again.. patience pays off most of the time.. time heals all.. time makes us forget.. time helps us accept each other for who we are.. feel that finally things are starting to get better.. some things are just simply meant to be i suppose?.. haha.. when all hope is lost, a glimmer of chance appears.. this gives us strength to go on.. fight till the end.. dont ever ask yourself " how long more".. tell yourself "i want it to last forever.." believe in something so much as it will happen.. i believe so much so.. i have the faith to go out and with assurance that what i want would be mine..

well.. tml going for the monopoly challenge with Lizhong.. hehe.. hope i can win the $5000... wish me luck.. haha...

bye.. well... today was oral!!.. haha.. it went great so happy that the topic that came out was related to geography...:P think i can get a distinction for eng now...wahaha... but then i saw her just now like very upset.. but fortuanately she not crying otherwise i really dunno what i'll do then... smth crazy perhaps..lol... think i will msg her tonight.. make sure she's alright.. otherwise.. seeing her like that i also feel so.. helpless...

recently a lot of teachers' like very interested on whether i got study a not.. first was mr wan, suddenly come to me asking whether i got study for my subs a not.. then was mr chong who came talking to me and asking me to study hard.. after was ms chee.. during the field trip we had to city hall.. but she said that it was mr chiang who asked her.. that got me thinking.. mr chiang doesnt teach me anything but why is he asking about me?.. today was mr khoo who asked me.. i really dunno why the teachers' keep asking me..somemore a majority are HODs.. i really got shaken.. i cant disappoint them.. since they have such hopes for me.. i need something to stir me up to persevere... maybe things are getting better now..hope it will carry on.. somethings are better left the way it is.. but some just have to change for the better... must work hard liao...

church this week was on "winning even when others do a better than you".. this sermon struck me.. quite hard in fact.. then pastor was calling on all those who feel unappreciated and feel that no matter how much they have done people are not accepting and taking you for granted.. when i heard that..it touched me somehow rather deep inside.. just like the day before i was talking about that then the next day..question answered.. and i hope that i will continue to serve on and believe that what i do will pay off soon..

being number one is not as important as being the number two..as it is for the number two who made the number one, number one... its the person who works behind the scene who matters..

"i am committed to make you succeed.."

thats it..bye..

Nicholas i feel something is not right since sunday.. hope nothing bad is going to happen... hehe...i passed chinese... hahahaha.. blog next time.. not free now.. questions are actually the thing that makes our lives as interesting as they are.. a life without questions is a boring life.. the human race is actually a boring bunch if people.. but when they start wondering why this happens and that happens is the spark of intelligence in the person.. questions are the factors that result in character building of such things we know as perseverance, determination and motivation. let me show you an example.

question: why do i have to study?
(then you will start to answer your own question)
answer:cause i want to achieve good results so that my future can be molded the way i want it to be.

this is the thing that actually starts us up to move towards something.. i remember from the superteens workshop i attended by Dr Ernest Wong.. he taught us that in order to excel we must have goals.. this answers are the goals we are looking for.. its gives us the strength to press on.. never ever giving up..

however, not all things are exactly worth our time.. as people always say that we should always treasure the things around us otherwise we would regret it when its gone.. but truly how many people out there really do it?.. who actually learns the lessons from the mistakes of the past.. no one.. this is sadly true.. that is why we should cherish the things worth treasuring and not those that are not worth it.. goals may not be always achievable.. we have to weigh its worth before considering whether is it good or bad.. this will stop us from regretting from doing something that we thought we wouldnt regret.. some things are not easy to do..but since when has life ever been easy?.. we have to constantly remind ourselves that things are never easy but if we do not push ourselves how can we achieve anything.. careful what you wish for as it just may happen..

think the right way not the positive or optimistic way.. predict the consequence before doing the action.. live life with confidence not fear.. things may be hard but somethings are worth it at the end although the process may suck.. haiz.. life is tough but we still have to go on.. just pray and it will be better..

Matthew 7:7-8
ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will fin; knock on the door and it will be opened to you. for everyone who asks, receives; he who seeks find; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.

take a moment ponder on that.. maybe it will be just what you are looking for.. im tired going through shit..just want it to stop liao.. seems like i lost control of my life.. its no longer my LIFE.. i lost my purpose.. haiz..

Nobody's Listening
Linkin Park

Yo, peep the style and the kids checking for it
The number one question is how could you ignore it
We drop right back in the cut over basement tracks
With raps that got you backing this up like
Rewind that we're just rolling with the rhythm
Rise from the ashes of stylistic division
With these non-stop lyrics of life living
Not to be forgotten but still unforgiven
But in the meantime there are those who wanna talk this and that
So I suppose that it gets to a point where feelings gotta get hurt
And get dirty with the people spreading the dirt

it goes

[Chorus]
(Tried to give you warning but everyone ignores me)
Told you everything loud and clear
(But nobody’s listening)
(Called to you so clearly but you don’t want to hear me)
Told you everything loud and clear
(But nobody’s listening)

I got a heart full of pain, head full of stress
handfull of anger, held in my chest
And everything left’s a waste of time
I hate my rhymes, but hate everyone else’s more
I’m riding on the back of this pressure
Guessing that it’s better I can’t keep myself together
Because all of this stress gave me something to write on
The pain gave me something I could set my sights on
Never forget the blood sweat and tears
The uphill struggle over years the fear and
Trash talking and the people it was to
And the people that started it just like you

[Chorus]
(Tried to give you warning but everyone ignores me)
Told you everything loud and clear
(But nobody’s listening)
(Called to you so clearly but you don’t want to hear me)
Told you everything loud and clear
(But nobody’s listening)

I got a heart full of pain, head full of stress
handfull of anger, held in my chest
Uphill struggle
Blood sweat and tears
Nothing to gain
Everything to fear

Heart full of pain, head full of stress
handfull of anger, held in my chest
Uphill struggle
Blood sweat and tears
Nothing to gain
Everything to fear

Heart full of pain

[Chorus]
(Tried to give you warning but everyone ignores me)
Told you everything loud and clear
(But nobody’s listening)
(Called to you so clearly but you don’t want to hear me)
Told you everything loud and clear
(But nobody’s listening)

I got a heart full of pain, head full of stress
(Nobody’s listening)
handfull of anger, held in my chest
(Nobody’s listening)
Uphill struggle
Blood sweat and tears
(Nobody’s listening)
Nothing to gain
Everything to fear
(Nobody’s listening)

Coming at you from every side
why do i say this?..it may sound weird but its true.. cause i have so many of contradictions in life.. i believe that what causes a person to get into a state of depression is because he cannot take the amount of contradiction happening in their lives.. contradictions are when you want something to happen so much but yet the reverse happens.. its sometimes so difficult to accept that you just might lose it and go bonkers!.. thats actually how im feeling recently.. let me share with you two contradictions in my life.

Contradiction #1
well.. as people know im a very hardcore npcc person.. i dare say im the only one in this bloody school who actually cares about the overall unit rather than getting power and abusing it onto people.. worst still showing it off to everyone who are your peers.. this kind of people are the most useless.. however, although i have been trying to contribute so much to the unit but yet i dun get anything and instead it goes to someone who doesnt even do much effort to make a difference.. im not trying to say im doing something very big or what, but what im trying to achieve and the bigger picture im showing is definitely more obvious that im doing something compared to the other two.. i may sound like sour grapes now but all this is true.. its really hard to see something you worked so hard for just being taken away from you just like this..the feeling, the pain,.. is indescribable...what i can say is that it SUCKED, big time in fact.. never have i felt so low and downcast before.. ever since i became an NCO nothing has ever been the same.. everytrhing i do seem tom be always going down the drain or used as someone elses work..argh..thinking about it makes me so angered.. this made me learn a very important lesson.. what my principal said about " doing the right things even if nobody is watching" is literally bullshit in Singapore.. it should be changed to "do the right things only when someone actually is watching".. isnt that so?..if no ones sees you, you will never get the recognition you deserve.. talk about meritocracy, which rewards people who worked hard..i dun see that happening.. so just throw that policy away sia.. its just bullshit..haiz...so this is the first contradiction...its really more jialat then it seems...what till you actually face the ostracization...wah...thats what i call point break of the human limit..

Contradiction #2
this is one of the things that drive me crazy actually all the time..what do you first think when it comes to giving kindness?..begetting it isnt it?..my case is different..by now a lot of people would know abt me and you know who..well, she is someone i like a lot..but i really dunno how she feels or thinks about.. cos she is like always hot and cold with me..so most of the time i dunno whats happening..i've been trying very hard to win her..but sometimes it really feels like its always wasted..but nevertheless, i continued cos i dun believe she doesnt have the same thing for me..whatever she ask me to do i will do..people will say im stupid..but wont u do anything for someone u like even though sometimes its very stupid..i gave up much things cos of her..part of the things in npcc i lost is because i wanted to be there for her always so i didnt want to go npcc that often..but yet now she say im controlling her too much..i never did intend to do so..i really dunno whats happening now..its really killing me to see you treating me worst than a stranger..its like who dun know each other anymore..everytime i see her right in front of me i really want her to talk to me cos i dun want this to go on..even if she hates the person she will still talk to the person..but yet now..shes avoiding me..and yet she says shes not..LIES LIES!!..why! tell me why!..dun hide and avoid the problem anymore..you started this and i want to end it!!WHY WONT YOU LET ME?!if its my fault i already said im sorry.. what more you want...i really dun want to give you up..i already am nearly there..why must all this always happen to me..i really rather she hate me..so at least there is a reason..but now there is no reason..this contradiction is the one that truly kills me..its painfully torturing.. time will heal but i dun want it to heal..as that would mean i forget everything..i dun want to forget the things we have.. just like in a song it says"how do i love you, if you just wont talk to me"..

well...i really am a very screwed person..useless when things come to me.. how do i go one? its been awhile eh.. cos i realised this blog has been tampered with..haiz...ok will be posting soon just let me solve some problems with stupid computer.. see ya..

Wait For You
Elliott Yamin

i never felt nothing in the world like this before
Now I'm missing you
& I'm wishing that you would come back through my door
Why did you have to go? You could have let me know
So now I'm all alone,
Girl you could have stayed
but you wouldn't give me a chance
With you not around it's a little bit more then i can stand
And all my tears they keep running down my face
Why did you turn away?

[Bridge]

So why does your pride make you run and hide?
Are you that afraid of me?
But I know it's a lie what you keep inside
This is not how you want it to be

[Chorus]

So baby I will wait for you
Cause I don''t know what else i can do
Don't tell me I ran out of time
If it takes the rest of my life

Baby I will wait for you
If you think I'm fine it just ain't true
I really need you in my life
No matter what i have to do I'll wait for you

[Verse 2]

It's been a long time since you called me
(How could you forget about me)
You got me feeling crazy (crazy)
How can you walk away,
Everything stays the same
I just can't do it baby
What will it take to make you come back
Girl I told you what it is & it just ain't like that
Why can't you look at me, your still in love with me
Don't leave me crying.

[Bridge]

Baby why can't we just start over again
Get it back to the way it was
If you give me a chance I can love you right
But your telling me it wont be enough

[Chorus]

So baby I will wait for you
Cause I don''t know what else i can do
Don't tell me I ran out of time
If it takes the rest of my life

Baby I will wait for you
If you think I'm fine it just ain't true
I really need you in my life
No matter what i have to do I'll wait for you

[Bridge]

So why does you pride make you run & hide
Are you that afraid of me?
But I know it's a lie what your keeping inside
Thats not how you want it to be

Baby I will wait for you
Baby I will wait for you
If it's the last thing i do

[Chorus]

Baby I will wait for you
Cause I don''t know what else i can do
Don't tell me I ran out of time
If it takes the rest of my life

Baby I will wait for you
If you think I'm fine it just ain't true
I really need you in my life
No matter what i have to do I'll wait for you

I'll Be Waiting.

its a great song..

see ya real soon..

Your profile here.
Nicholas here. currently a Cadet Inspector serving Queenstown Sec Sch.

Your wishlist here.

Wee Ling Wan Ying

August 2007
September 2007
November 2007
December 2007
January 2008
February 2008
March 2008
April 2008
May 2008
June 2008
July 2008
August 2008
September 2008

Blogskin created by Eclair-x. Background found at zainylove's livejournal.

Best viewed in 1026 x 768 pixels screen resolution, Mozilla Firefox.